Because I Said So....

I've read a lot of "parenting" articles and blogs lately, as I am a new father. My daughter is now 3 1/2 months old and beginning to display actual signs of becoming an willful individual. Therefore, being the "thinker" that I am, I'm beginning to ponder discipline and proper motivation to guide this willful individual to adulthood without landing any of the family in counseling, a mental institution, or as the guest du jour on Dr. Phil.

Some of the things I grew up with or have heard from others just seem rather parochial when I look at them as an adult and parent. Some of them just make no logical sense! Some may argue that a parent must think on their feet when dealing with disciplinary situations and that's why the best decisions aren't always made in how to handle these episodes, but my question is why aren't we, as parents, better prepared for how to handle them? Reactionary decision making is rarely a good way to run your own life, let alone a child's. I look back onto my own childhood, and I think "My parents must have done something right... I turned out fine!". A lot of people think this way and some take all of the examples of their parents rearing as gospel. "This is how it's done because I turned out fine..." End of story. I think, as parents, we sell our children's future far short if we subscribe to this thinking. It's lazy. Lazy is a strong word, but I think we need to dispense with niceties if we want to cut to the heart of it. Shouldn't we want to do better for our kids? Shouldn't we take the lessons learned from our own childhoods and separate what was effective and what was... not-so-much? Certainly we can take a few minutes out of our day to think about what we were like at our children's age and what motivated us both from a positive and negative standpoint. Perhaps it would enable us to make more logical decisions when it comes to discipline.

This is not at all a slight against our parents, as I'm sure (or would hope) they attempted to improve upon their parents' examples. I do know, however, that I have heard "That's the way I was raised and I turned out fine" too many times. As I think about this, I have come up with a list of things that, in my opinion, fail our children from a learning and disciplinary standpoint.

Reactionary Discipline - Hyperbolic and empty threats only teach our children that our word means nothing. Spontaneous slaps and swats only make our children afraid and nervous. I'm on the fence about spanking, as it is not necessarily reactionary, but would need to think long and hard about how it benefits the child to hit him. So far, I'm coming up with nada... but if I do come up with a reasonable notion, I'll be sure to post it. :)

Discipline that serves no purpose - Summarily sending a child to bed without dinner or withholding a meal until a specific chore/task is completed. This is a sore spot for me. Not because it ever happened to me, because it didn't. This one just makes no sense whatsoever. If you threaten to withhold dinner from a child until his homework is done, how is the child supposed to concentrate? If a child is hungry AND upset because he knows he can't eat until his homework is done, how is he supposed to concentrate on his work and be able to absorb and retain the knowledge that the homework is intended to impart? Sending a child to bed without dinner has its place, but the only place I see it is if the child simply refuses to eat what the family eats. That serves a useful purpose and teaches the child that we don't cook 4 different meals for 4 different people. Additionally, as the evening meal may be used to bring the family back together at the end of the day and reinforce the sense of belonging to something greater than oneself, missing that part of the day can serve as a good reminder of that. But sending a child to bed without dinner because he talked back or didn't clean his room? Come on.... THINK people.

Discipline that serves your interests more than the child - Here's an example.... Little Johnny doesn't clean his room, as he is supposed to every week. He is scheduled to play in the Little League All-Star game the coming weekend, which is in the next county over. Not your idea of the way to spend an entire Saturday, so you decide he will not play in that game because "he didn't clean his room". What lesson does that teach him? What were your reasons for signing him up for Little League in the first place? I would hope that it is to teach him teamwork, fair play and hard work to reach a goal. Does his not cleaning his room mean that he should be removed from a positive environment such as Little League (assuming the league is run appropriately... a blog for another day perhaps)? Seems awfully convenient to cancel his participation in the game. He is punished and you don't have to take an entire Saturday to drive over to the next county and watch a bunch of adolescents play ball! woohoo! A win-win! Right? Riiight. Certainly you can find something more suitable as a punishment that would not take away something that is a positive force in his life. Don't be lazy.

I understand that it isn't always easy. Hell, most of the time, it won't be. I just think that if you take some time to think about the consequences of discipline, and try to be creative in coming up with punishments that are useful, rather than arbitrary, our children will be better served. Kids aren't stupid. They can tell the difference between a BS punishment and one that serves their best interests. I know I always could. Parents are supposed to guide their children, to be their leaders. Kids don't always have to know why you say no, as long as they can trust that you have their best interests at heart and you have shown them that all of their lives. If you have that kind of relationship with your kids, it seems to me that when you do find yourself in a situation that you haven't thought about and don't quite know what to say when a child asks "Why?".... sometimes "Because I said so..." will be good enough.