Puzzles...

Current Visa Commercials -

I don't understand them. The premise appears to be that using Visa is sooooo much faster than using cash and waiting for a clerk to make change. I do understand that the commercials are touting SmartCard technology where you simply wave your card in front of the device, much like SpeedPass (different technology, same result) at the gas station, and the transaction magically occurs. No signature? No waiting for the transaction to "process"? This I have to see in action to believe.... What? Everywhere I go still uses the old Verifone machines? I still have to wait for the process to chug along while the schmuck in front of me uses a credit card to buy a $4.25 latte? Some places still haven't upgraded their machines to the degree that my FULL card number is not printed on the receipt for the world to see? No thanks... The commercial makes no sense as a advertisement for Visa as a network. It would be better served as an ad for the NEW Verifone devices with SmartCard technology. (Assuming your bank issues SmartCard Visa cards) A little ahead of its time.

Seating on mass transit -

I must just have one of those faces... one of those postures that says:

"If you are the largest person on the planet, and you need a seat on any mode of mass transit, plant your hugeness right next to me. And feel free to spill over into my seat. First, stretch out a little... then a lot... First priority to sit by me goes to who smells the worst. Oh, and ask me for a cigarette too."

It never fails. Do I really look like an accommodating soul?
















Maybe this was the wrong pic to upload... ;-)

It must be the cosmos, karma, or something, because it happens to me on airplanes too. I have no answers.

Johnny Soprano Come Lately... (Spoiler alert)

Ok.... I finally finished watching the entire series of the HBO series "The Sopranos". What a ride! Firstly, I would like to thank David Chase for creating a family of characters unlike any other in a gangster series. You got a real look inside this extended family and how they loved each other, even if their ways of showing it weren't always conventional. (Yes, in this series, even hastening someone's death was ultimately an act of love.)

The one thing that puzzles me, however, is the great deal of controversy over how the series ends. To me, there is no controversy. Those who wish to parlay the ending into something more than it is, waiting for a sequel or something more, will be forever disappointed. Sometimes you just have to take what the artists give you. When it comes to art, asking more, more, more from the artist is asking for disappointment. Inspiration cannot be forced. My feeling is that David Chase is done with Tony Soprano. This seems clear to me simply from Dr. Melfi's dismissal of Tony in the next-to-last episode. I think David Chase intended the audience to be perhaps an aspect of Tony's psyche. We traveled with him and watched the events leading to his demise. That's it. All stories, however great they may be, have an ending. The audience, as Tony's psyche, cut to black when he died.

I haven't had as much time to mull over all of the "signs and signals" that were supposedly planted to clue the audience in on what ultimately happened to our hero. I seriously doubt I will even put much more thought into it, because I have resolved in my mind what happened. The conversation with Bobby on the boat, talking about how it happens when it's "your time" really said it all I needed to hear, and when the cut-to-black occurred, I was satisfied. This gentleman put up a video on YouTube that points out quite a few things supporting the death theory, and I thought it was pretty good. Check it out here. Perhaps you could find equal evidence to support that he lived, but this is my forum, so we're only considering the death scenario here. :-)

Anyway, I bid the Sopranos goodbye. I will miss them, but I do realize that all good things must come to an end. I hope David Chase lets this work stand on its own and resists any temptation to trifle with perfection.

Things I Think I Think...

It's been a while. And I'm still busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest, so this may be a short one. However, in the great tradition of SI sportswriter Peter King (love him or hate him, the man can write), I submit my current list of things I think I think...

1a. I think I think that Merle Haggard would not be nearly so famous if his first name did not rhyme with "girl". Listening to anything he has recorded is just painful.

1b. I think I think that the concept of blue jeans and pearls (which also rhymes with "girl") was born from a country songwriter desperate for a rhyme. Unfortunately, far too many songwriters have stolen this deplorable tactic. Blue jeans and pearls just don't go. Think pewter and turquoise.

2. I think I think that one should always look in the same direction which they are walking. If you are looking in a direction that you have no intention of walking, then by all means, STOP. The life you save may be your own.

3. I think I think my list of things to do around the house is only getting longer and my time to get them done is only getting shorter.

4. I think I think that the New England Patriots are screwed. Papa Goodell is gonna bring the hammer down.

5a. I think I think that maybe Joe Gibbs should go back to racing after this season, even if the Redskins win the Super Bowl. However unlikely that is...

5b. I think I think that Russ Grimm should come home next year and take the helm.

6. I think I think that LaDainian Tomlinson has proven himself enough to supplant Lawrence Taylor as "LT" without some moron asking "Which LT? Tomlinson is not LT..."

7. I think I think that's enough football for this list.

8. I think I think the world is not as dangerous as our government tells us it is.

9. I think I think that we are not as safe from harm as we think we are.

10. I think I think that life is too short to worry about such things and we should get busy living.

11. I think I think that when someone close to you is diagnosed with cancer, you wish you could snap your fingers and cure them, you realize your own mortality, then you sadly come to the conclusion that all of it is out of your control and that all you can do is live and love as if there is no tomorrow.

12. I think I think that money is not the root of all evil, but it is certainly a good sized branch on the tree.

13. I think I think that trees fall over sometimes. (Related to #3)

14. I think I think I've heard enough about Britney and I am sad for her and those like her.

15. I think I think that after 10 years in the grave, Princess Diana deserves a dignified rest.

16. I think I think my daughter is already growing up faster than I want her to.

17. I think I think I'm getting close to the end of this list.

18. I think I think that a study discovering that curly hair tangles less than straight hair is money that could have been better spent elsewhere. (Like toward CURING CANCER)

19. I think I think that we are not alone in the cosmos, but I doubt we will find proof of it.

20. I think I think that music is the sound inside its creator's soul.

Whole Wheat For Free Wheeling Cases...

Whole Wheat Bread - Does anyone really bother to check the ingredients of wheat bread when asking for a sandwich "on whole wheat" at a deli? I've noticed a lot of people specifying "whole wheat" for their sandwich, and from a consumer advocacy perspective, it's hard to decide who is accountable for these people nearly always not getting what they ask for. You see, most wheat bread sold in Joe Bob's Deli, Mom and Pop shops, or even Subway (thanks for the clue Jarrod) is not whole wheat bread. By using enriched wheat bread (enriched wheat flour), these establishments save a LOT of money in preparation costs and happily sell what the general public thinks is a very healthy and tasty (due to the molasses and/or honey added to make these breads dark in color) alternative. Think again. It's not so healthy. You may as well be eating white bread. So next time you ask for whole wheat, make sure someone can show you the ingredients (first ingredient should be whole wheat flour) on their bread to ensure you are getting what you ask for. And for those who ask for whole wheat that do so just out of ignorant habit and have not tasted a real whole wheat bread, please take the time to do so. Know what you're asking for, know what your getting.

For Free - This statement burns me up every time I hear it. How can you get something "for free"? In other words, how do you exchange free? Try this sentence... I will give you a box of detergent in return for a package of free. Free is not something that can be exchanged (a noun), it describes an object (an adjective). In this instance, free describes that an object is obtained without cost. So... Try this sentence... I will give you a free box of detergent. Or even... I will give you a box of detergent, free.

Wheeled Briefcases - As a train and bus commuter, these things are my ultimate nemesis. It's not that I have a problem with the concept of these contraptions, so much as the morons that are driving them. At least if you are wearing a backpack you remain cognizant that there is some extra bulk that you must account for when squeezing through people and through tight spaces. These "wheelers", as I like to call them, seem to forget about this bulky, heavy package that they are dragging behind them. While bobbing and weaving through pedestrian traffic, I cannot count the number of times a "wheeler" passed me on one side, only to cut across my path in the other direction. Normally this is fine and speed adjustments are made on the fly for such an occurrence. However, when a 25 pound box is lagging 2-3 feet behind, the logistics become a bit more dicey. One of two things happen. Either I have to slam on the brakes, thus being bumped into from behind by someone or I have to send the briefcase careening off its wheels with a swift kick that would make David Beckham beam with pride. More and more often I opt for the latter. Interestingly, I do not really have this issue at airports, where the "wheeler's" bags are MUCH bulkier. Perhaps because they have to shorten their stride to be able to pull such bulk with some control heightens their awareness of it. In any case, if you are a "wheeler", please take a little more consideration of your baggage behind you or you may just hear me saying "GOOOOOOOAAAALLL" just before your arm is ripped out of its socket by your bag being kicked end over end down The Shoppes at Union Station.

Slanted Science

The information age. With the internet and cable news, we are subjected to the product of a 24-hour news cycle. To that end, we really have to deal with a lot of crap being thrown at us to fill up those 24 hours in a day! Has our appetite for information become so insatiable that we gobble up any bit of data, however unsubstantiated it is? Medical studies that never would have seen the light of day 20 years ago are now being published in summary and presented as groundbreaking discovery. Ethanol and "Clean Coal" are going to free us from dependence upon foreign oil! Global warming will kill us all in 50 years! The crux of the issue, however, is that when you really read the studies and take into consideration the funding sources, most of the time there is an economic, political or sociological cause to be advanced based on the study findings.

If so cynically inclined, one could come to the conclusion that a lot of published science are merely implicit commercial advocation of any cause or business that would benefit from the acceptance of that scientific assertion and not necessarily for the benefit of humankind. It is of utmost importance, that we, as a general public, be more informed about how these "experts" are conducting their research to determine their true motive. Ulterior or Pure?

It takes some reading to get to the bottom of these issues. Time, effort, all things that are precious to the "busy busy Americans" who just want the truth delivered to them through mainstream media. The problem is, even with mainstream media - time, effort and most importantly of all, money. The research it would take to bring the truth, or even just the facts about any study - clinical, environmental, economic or otherwise would cost so much that mainstream media has little choice but to report the sound-bite, the synopsis, the promise of something for nothing. So when reading the newspaper, surfing internet news, or watching your favorite 24 hour news channel, and some scientific revelation piques your interest, do the due diligence. Find out how the study was conducted. Who paid for it? Who stands to gain from its findings? Who stands to lose? A critical and almost skeptical eye is required to separate the true advances from a policial slant or economic gain.


Below are some articles to help us separate fact from fiction, in some cases to further muddy the waters, and to help us learn how to read between the lines.

Regarding Medical Studies

http://www.umdnj.edu/idsweb/shared/how_to_read_articles_simon.htm

http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/WhosCounting/story?id=997688&page=1

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/2352839.stm

http://www.boston.com/news/science/articles/2005/08/15/flaws_are_found_in_validating_medical_studies/?page=1

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=16227


Regarding The Environment - Specifically on the issue of Global Warming, there is little consensus out there and even less hard science to back up any claims in either direction. Examples of the polarity of this issue and how environmental science is being taught in our schools. Pity about environmental science... It is hard to prove anything in a short period of time, harder to fund the research and hardest of all to profit at improving the environment itself.


How Environmental Science is being taught in schools

A 2004 review of Environmental Science textbooks

A 1996 Senate investigation on Environmental Science misconduct that finds no such misconduct in cases reviewed, praises the peer review process.

Senator James Inhofe's (R-Oklahoma) speech on the Senate floor of September 25th, 2006

Regarding Ethanol and "Clean Coal"

Ethanol Pros & Cons

"Clean Coal" Pros & Cons - How it works


Just remember, as Don Henley said in "The Garden of Allah" -

"Because there are no facts, there is no truth..
Just data to be manipulated..
I can get you any result you like..
What’s it worth to you?
Because there is no wrong, there is no right..
And I sleep very well at night..
No shame, no solution, no remorse, no retribution.."

Rants, Raves and Observations before the 4th

This entry may be all over the place, but I have a lot of thoughts rolling around that don't necessarily merit an entire entry themselves so.... Here it goes.

Quiznos - Screwing up their menu! In the past few weeks, Quiznos Subs (most notably the one at 12th and I St. NW, Washington DC) has pared their menu in an apparent attempt to simplify things for their ummmm... Ingles challenged staff. Who loses? The customer! The irony of this is.... the two favorite subs of mine that I can no longer get there are The Baja and The Cabo Chicken. Pair that with myriad Health Department violations and brief closures the past few weeks, and it's safe to say I need to take my business elsewhere. Sad.


Public Restrooms - What the hell is wrong with the general "public" when they get out into the world? Do they lose their minds? Throwing trash on the floor, pissing on a toilet seat with no regard for the person that may need to actually sit there to take care of business later on, or worse yet, pissing on the FLOOR! People always complain about how nasty public restrooms are, yet many of these same people treat them in the same careless manner as the rest of John Q. Public. Talk about a bio-hazard. If people would treat these places with just a modicum of decency and respect, they would not be the cesspools that most of them are. It's pretty simple really. Don't pee on the floor. RAISE THE SEAT of the toilet before you pee! Just use your foot if you don't want to touch it, but RAISE the damn SEAT. And please, if you have a movement... FLUSH, just like you would at home. I know this will do nothing to correct this problem, but it's a good vent anyway. :)

President Bush Commutes Libby's Sentence - This just smacks of more cronyism that has been the hallmark of the current administration from the get-go. You can be sure that a full pardon will be given on Bush's way out the door (if not sooner). And I thought Nixon left a trail of shit behind him.... Tricky Dick will look like a patron saint in comparison by the end of Bush's eight years in office. I suppose history will have to be the true judge of this president, but from the cheap seats things haven't looked this bleak for the USA's standing in the world in a long time. The USA's reputation in the international community has been tarnished for perhaps a generation or more. While I'm still proud to be an American, I'm not very proud of how my country has used its influence lately. Oh, by the way, Happy 4th of July! :) Isn't it great that we still have the right to talk trash about our leaders without fear of retribution or reprisal? I just hope Karl Rove or Cheney don't read this entry, or the previous sentence may be rendered moot.

Rags To Riches Wins The Belmont Stakes - What a race! It was awesome to see this little filly take on the mighty Curlin in the final leg of the Triple Crown races and prevail! Just goes to show you that the best races are run when the best horses are entered, regardless of sex. I'm not sure how it came to be that only the rare filly is entered into the Triple Crown races, but I think it would be better for racing in general if we saw more action like we saw in the Belmont this year. It was an inspirational run by Rags To Riches.

Clark W. Griswold - Since it is tourist season here in the nation's capital, once again the city is awash with families wandering around lost, looking for the White House which is, invariably, not where I am. Nevertheless, while I am outside getting a breath of air, I am consistently asked where various Washington landmarks are. I don't mind directing people to the general area of the monuments, since by and large this city is not the friendliest in the world, and a little kindness can make a big impression. However, I am continually puzzled by the majority of family guys who take a family vacation and try to paint a Rockwell to the point where no one is having fun anymore. Hawaiian shirts are the standard issue, along with khaki shorts with black dress socks pulled up to the calf in boat shoes. Let's not forget the token "Panama Jack" or straw hat. It seems as if these guys watched National Lampoon's "Vacation" and used it as a vacation handbook. Combine that with a driven attitude toward cramming every single attraction in the city into a single day, a "I'm on vacation damnit!" sense of entitlement, and let the hilarity ensue. Please let me exercise better judgment when vacationing with my own family, by not leaving my brain at home.

Thoughts Are Not Facts, Ideas Are Not Knowledge

This could be a complicated post, as it strikes to the very heart of the theme of this blog. Certain comments I have received (verbally and via email) on the previous post have led me to examine in my mind how it is that a lot of people tend to confuse thoughts with facts and ideas with knowledge. I have met with some criticism from people I know, about that post, because either they thought it was an indictment of their own parenting, or that I was somehow purporting to have it all figured out. Truly, I singled no one out when writing that post. It's just a collective observation with my own thoughts at this point in time on the subject. I chose to title this blog "In The Think" (as lame as it may sound) versus "In The Know" precisely because I'm not so arrogant and naive to think I know it all. To further illustrate and remind what this blog is about, I submit the following.

A thought is an abstract... a notion that needs logic to be followed to a natural conclusion. Even then it's just a well researched thought. The cool thing about thoughts and ideas is that they can change and evolve. Facts and knowledge are fine, but they're not sexy. They are rigid. There's no debating a fact, and knowledge is really just a collection of facts. Conversely, an idea is really just a collection of thoughts, but with all kinds of possibilities because its scope is not reliant upon facts. Theories take thoughts and ideas further, in that facts begin to limit the scope to allow a possible reality to take shape.

Think about this, if you will... If Einstein's Theories of Relativity were ever proven, how cool do you think they would be then? Believe me, if the theories were ever proven (thus becoming facts), I don't think any of us would really enjoy time travel that much. It would hurt..... A lot! However, as it stands right now, it is a wonderful muse for novels, movies and simply the romantic dream of seeing life beyond your years. The sad truth is that reality is based in fact. Therefore, when thoughts and ideas are mistaken for facts and knowledge, I think we get ourselves into trouble. For example, the fact is that American troops are dying in Iraq because it was thought there were WMDs, but the fact is that none have been found.

Beliefs are even worse. And in my opinion, religious beliefs are worse than most. People are willing to kill and die for a belief. There are some who say there is honor in that, but I'm not so sure. It is one thing to kill or die in defense of the "American way of life", which is a belief. It is quite another to do so trying to force that belief on someone else. The biggest issue I have with beliefs is that they are ideas perpetuated as fact. As much of a screwball movie as it is, Kevin Smith's "Dogma" really nailed it with this quote - "I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant. " But then again... it is only what I think.... not what I know.

Because I Said So....

I've read a lot of "parenting" articles and blogs lately, as I am a new father. My daughter is now 3 1/2 months old and beginning to display actual signs of becoming an willful individual. Therefore, being the "thinker" that I am, I'm beginning to ponder discipline and proper motivation to guide this willful individual to adulthood without landing any of the family in counseling, a mental institution, or as the guest du jour on Dr. Phil.

Some of the things I grew up with or have heard from others just seem rather parochial when I look at them as an adult and parent. Some of them just make no logical sense! Some may argue that a parent must think on their feet when dealing with disciplinary situations and that's why the best decisions aren't always made in how to handle these episodes, but my question is why aren't we, as parents, better prepared for how to handle them? Reactionary decision making is rarely a good way to run your own life, let alone a child's. I look back onto my own childhood, and I think "My parents must have done something right... I turned out fine!". A lot of people think this way and some take all of the examples of their parents rearing as gospel. "This is how it's done because I turned out fine..." End of story. I think, as parents, we sell our children's future far short if we subscribe to this thinking. It's lazy. Lazy is a strong word, but I think we need to dispense with niceties if we want to cut to the heart of it. Shouldn't we want to do better for our kids? Shouldn't we take the lessons learned from our own childhoods and separate what was effective and what was... not-so-much? Certainly we can take a few minutes out of our day to think about what we were like at our children's age and what motivated us both from a positive and negative standpoint. Perhaps it would enable us to make more logical decisions when it comes to discipline.

This is not at all a slight against our parents, as I'm sure (or would hope) they attempted to improve upon their parents' examples. I do know, however, that I have heard "That's the way I was raised and I turned out fine" too many times. As I think about this, I have come up with a list of things that, in my opinion, fail our children from a learning and disciplinary standpoint.

Reactionary Discipline - Hyperbolic and empty threats only teach our children that our word means nothing. Spontaneous slaps and swats only make our children afraid and nervous. I'm on the fence about spanking, as it is not necessarily reactionary, but would need to think long and hard about how it benefits the child to hit him. So far, I'm coming up with nada... but if I do come up with a reasonable notion, I'll be sure to post it. :)

Discipline that serves no purpose - Summarily sending a child to bed without dinner or withholding a meal until a specific chore/task is completed. This is a sore spot for me. Not because it ever happened to me, because it didn't. This one just makes no sense whatsoever. If you threaten to withhold dinner from a child until his homework is done, how is the child supposed to concentrate? If a child is hungry AND upset because he knows he can't eat until his homework is done, how is he supposed to concentrate on his work and be able to absorb and retain the knowledge that the homework is intended to impart? Sending a child to bed without dinner has its place, but the only place I see it is if the child simply refuses to eat what the family eats. That serves a useful purpose and teaches the child that we don't cook 4 different meals for 4 different people. Additionally, as the evening meal may be used to bring the family back together at the end of the day and reinforce the sense of belonging to something greater than oneself, missing that part of the day can serve as a good reminder of that. But sending a child to bed without dinner because he talked back or didn't clean his room? Come on.... THINK people.

Discipline that serves your interests more than the child - Here's an example.... Little Johnny doesn't clean his room, as he is supposed to every week. He is scheduled to play in the Little League All-Star game the coming weekend, which is in the next county over. Not your idea of the way to spend an entire Saturday, so you decide he will not play in that game because "he didn't clean his room". What lesson does that teach him? What were your reasons for signing him up for Little League in the first place? I would hope that it is to teach him teamwork, fair play and hard work to reach a goal. Does his not cleaning his room mean that he should be removed from a positive environment such as Little League (assuming the league is run appropriately... a blog for another day perhaps)? Seems awfully convenient to cancel his participation in the game. He is punished and you don't have to take an entire Saturday to drive over to the next county and watch a bunch of adolescents play ball! woohoo! A win-win! Right? Riiight. Certainly you can find something more suitable as a punishment that would not take away something that is a positive force in his life. Don't be lazy.

I understand that it isn't always easy. Hell, most of the time, it won't be. I just think that if you take some time to think about the consequences of discipline, and try to be creative in coming up with punishments that are useful, rather than arbitrary, our children will be better served. Kids aren't stupid. They can tell the difference between a BS punishment and one that serves their best interests. I know I always could. Parents are supposed to guide their children, to be their leaders. Kids don't always have to know why you say no, as long as they can trust that you have their best interests at heart and you have shown them that all of their lives. If you have that kind of relationship with your kids, it seems to me that when you do find yourself in a situation that you haven't thought about and don't quite know what to say when a child asks "Why?".... sometimes "Because I said so..." will be good enough.

A Partial List of Things That Could Just Go Away

1. "Hidden" tracks on CDs that are appended onto the last listed track with a long (sometimes minutes, literally) pause before the "hidden" track starts. It is usually a pretty lame song anyway. If it was so great, it would have been listed on the damn thing in the first place and played to death on the radio like any other decent song. So please, don't make me waste valuable time waiting for it. (The one exception to this rule that I can think of is "Big Yellow Taxi" off the Counting Crows' Hard Candy album) If you want to add some lame-ass song to the end of your album and call it a hidden track, just make a separate track at the end so when we rip the album to our MP3 players we can leave it off, since it blows anyway.

2. Spam (email). Seriously, if I want a mortgage I will seek one out from a reputable broker. It's bad enough to get raked over the coals legitimately. If I need Viagra, Cialis, or any other elixir to manage an erection for hours or to heighten my (or her) pleasure in any way, I will see my doctor or re-read the Kama Sutra. I mean, come on, how big a problem is ED in this world these days that we must go to illegal lengths to get the "magic pills"? It seems to be a very ineffective way to hawk a product anyway, as any internet user with the smallest clue employs a spam filter or deletes it without opening. I can't imagine much money is made this way anymore, but I could be wrong. Nevertheless, it's a boil on the collective backside of the internet.

3. Acronyms for every illness (real and "created") for which there is a drug specifically marketed. AD, ED, COPD, DVT, HBP, RLS, CDE (Chronic Dry Eye... This one is my favorite), SADD, etc. Yet another way marketing has been taken to a new level. Make a person feel special, afraid, or afflicted and you can sell them anything.

4. Spam (canned meat). If you can read a nutrition label, you know this stuff will only kill you quickly.

5. Crappy TV shows loosely based on a show that is a ground breaking hit. How dumb do TV execs think we are? You cannot "copy" a hit show in a few weeks time and expect it to garner the same buzz and staying power as the original.

Examples:

America's Got Talent (This is NOT American Idol.... not even close)

Show Me The Money! (Deal or No Deal, as banal as it is, is Emmy worthy compared to this)

The Benefactor (Donald Trump is a fun and whimsical caricature, Mark Cuban is just creepy)

Joe Millionaire (Evan who? Oh, and Zora looks great in her Nutri-System commercials)

You get the idea... (Oh yeah, Rob and Am-buh can just go away too.)

6. Celebrity romances, feuds and political views. No one cares. Really. NO ONE.

Does Men's Restroom Etiquette Apply?

I am reluctantly coming to accept that this blog may turn into a litany of stories that mainly revolve around commuting. The good news is that many of you will be able to relate. The bad news is also that many of you will be able to relate, as I will typically focus on what pisses me off about my fellow commuters.

Take this morning, for example. Once I get off the train at Union Station, I catch a bus for a 10 minute ride to a stop near my office. There are the usual complaints about bus travel... sometimes over-crowded, nearly always rude people pushing their way in line ahead of you (like the bus is going to leave them behind unless they mow you over to squeeze their often too large backsides through the double-doors), bus drivers that give you permanent whiplash with their stomp on gas to go and slam on brakes to stop driving, potholes, and yes, traffic. However, this morning's trip has nothing to do with the usual suspects. This morning's trip reminded me of a situation far more sinister and disturbing.... a breach of the MRE (Men's Restroom Etiquette). Not to be confused with the more commonly known military MRE (Meal Ready to Eat). I would wager that the average American's life will be saved more times by the restroom MRE than the military one.

For the ladies and clueless men out there (you know who you are), here is a simplified breakdown of MRE.

(To save time, I am using an example provided by Dan Wallach's "Male bathroom rules" at the following URL: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/90q3/urinals.html A funny and enlightening read in it's own right, it goes further with the etiquette than is required in this space. I recommend its strict adherence by all men.)

Given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:

X = occupied
. = empty

|X | . | . | . | . | . | . |
|X | . | . | . | . | . | X |
|X | . | . | X | . | . | X |
|X | . | X | . | X | . | X |
|X | X | X | . | X | . | X | <-- These are only acceptable when significant
|X | X | X | . | X | X | X | <-- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
|X | X | X | X | X | X | X | <-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

You can see how this concept works. It's not revolutionary, and it's been around since men pissed in the woods (some still do), except stalls were trees/bushes. It's about being respectful of another man's space, if at all possible.

It is my opinion, and it has been my observation for the most part, that MRE transcends the restroom and applies to mass transit, except that now women are included. Obviously if you are acquainted with and are accompanying a member of the opposite sex, MRE does not apply, as travel can be a social function. By all means, sit together. However, while traveling alone, or even as a pair of acquainted males, MRE should be in full force until it is no longer practical.

Which brings us to this morning's bus ride....

I deliberately waited for one bus to leave because it was standing room only, and I saw another one coming immediately. I figured there was no sense standing when I could sit in a reasonably empty bus, in my own row of seats and actually attempt to enjoy the ride, taking in the bustling activity on the streets on the way. Things were going according to plan until about the third stop when, inexplicably, a MAN sat next to me! If MRE is applied to this situation, this man may as well have come up behind me while I was at a urinal and given my butt a shove.

So it begins.... the conversation in your head when a such a breach of etiquette occurs.

"What?! You gotta be kidding me... can you not see there are so many more appropriate places to sit right now?"

"I waited for the next bus so I wouldn't have someone sitting next to me! And now this?! WTF?!"

You've been there, I know.

Then comes the indignant resolve.

"Well I'm not moving! Then he'll think I'm intimidated or otherwise creeped-the-hell-out."

"If he so much as touches me I'm gonna knock him into next week..."

Then the superiority complex.

"Nice clothes dude.... Gray Dockers and a pinstripe suit coat... Mismatch much? Your bottom half looks like it's going on a picnic, while your top half looks like it's going to the opera!"

"He must have very little human contact outside this bus ride. How sad."

Finally, he gets off a couple of stops later and I postulate that he must have sat next to me because he's not very familiar with the city and needed to see his surroundings clearly. I assume he was looking for a landmark. For my own sanity, I'll assume it was the DC Public Library. Alone again at last, but not uninjured by the experience. He ruined my ride to work with his ignorance of proper MRE.

To illustrate my quandary, I submit to you the condensed configuration of seating this morning.

Here is the legend:

W = Woman
M = Man
. = Empty
Y = Me

Forward

|W| . |                  |M|W|
--------                --------
| . | . |                | . |W|

These
face
each
other

|Y| . |                         |
---------                       |   Door                                                                                               
                                  |     

Rear     

Since you've read my account of the incident above, you know which seat my nemeses chose this morning. There were a lot of other empty seats and acceptable MRE options. But for purposes of this exercise, if you are a man that observes MRE.... Where do you sit?

Precisely.

I knew I had a smart audience.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, here is the correct answer. Legend:

W = Woman
M = Man
. = Empty
Y = Me
X = Man who has a clue and applies MRE


Forward

|W| . |        |M|W|
-------        ------
| . |X|        | . |W|

These
face
each
other

|Y| . |                |
-------                | Door                             
                         | 


Rear   

See what I mean? It's an easy transition in logic to apply MRE to mass transit.

Here are few thoughts to help ease the transition....

If there are empty rows of seats available, use them first.

If you are a man, sit next to a unknown woman before sitting next to an unknown man.

If you are a woman, you may sit wherever you like, but recognize that whomever you sit next to will assume you think they are attractive and may offer unwanted conversation or other advances. Conversely, your advances or attempts at conversation may be rejected forcefully. This will be a problem mostly if you sit next to a man, but may happen with other women as well. Children under the age of 12 are the exception to this rule.

If you are a child, you must sit with your parent/guardian unless there are no other seats available. If there is only one seat available, you must sit and your parent/guardian must stand next to you. Parent/guardian must ensure that you remain seated and do not bother people that work for a living. You are allowed to be entertaining to the people that work for a living, but you must remain seated. Do NOT incessantly press the "Stop Requested" button!

If you are a tourist, please do everyone a favor and stick to the tour buses. Don't get me wrong, Washington DC is for everyone. However, the MetroBus schedules, routes, and business-like (read: narcissistic and rude) atmosphere will only ruin everyone's day (yours included) if you try to schlep all of your crap and your four small children from point to point all day, while attempting to maintain the sense of wonder that is our nation's capital.

The Metro Rail is not synonymous to the Monorail (ala Disney World)! The tourist advisory above applies, as should MRE. If tourists do attempt to utilize Metro Rail and can only remember one thing, it should be this. WALK LEFT, STAND RIGHT! If able to remember two things, the second should be this. Do not stop to look at your map at the top, or the bottom of an escalator! There's a name for people like you.... escalumps.

Anatomy Of A Verbal Altercation

I took an earlier train than usual on Friday, as it was a gorgeous afternoon and the very picture of a spring day. As is my luck, a lot of other people had the same brilliant idea. It's at times like these, I question the qualification of "brilliance". This train leaves about an hour and a half before the train I normally take home, so I was getting a decent head start on my weekend. I commute a total of about three and a half hours a day, so any chance to get out of town ahead of time is ok by me.

Things started out normally enough.... I was a few minutes early, which is not typical for me when trying to catch this particular run. I thought things were totally going my way. When I boarded the train, I immediately noticed there were a lot more people on than normal. "Nice afternoon... Friday... figures..", I thought. Everyone seemed to be in good spirits, buoyed by the spring weather, and many conversations were dedicated to weekend plans, gardening ideas and the intent of unabashed relaxation. I made my way to what is normally dedicated the "Quiet Car", as I do when I am not riding my normal train with my normal crew (A separate post on this at another time.). I noticed the sign that normally hangs from the ceiling denoting that you are now entering the "Quiet Car" was conspicuously absent, but thought nothing of it. This car too, is very full compared to normal, but I make my way to the very front of the car where there is an empty seat of two facing another empty seat of two. I know this will not last, but will be comfortable for as long as I can be. I then found some appropriate kicking-off-the-weekend music (Sheryl Crow, can't go wrong.) and settle into my seat to meditate or otherwise tune out my surroundings until I get to my destination.

Just before we pulled out of Union Station, I saw an acquaintance from my normal train wandering into the car looking for a seat. We had conversed several times, and are in the same line of work, so I waved hello and let her know there was available real estate across from me. She is somewhat dedicated to her craft, so she pulls out her laptop and begins tapping away at the keys once she got settled into her seat. We exchanged pleasantries and began a "Quiet" conversation about weekend plans, the weather... you know the drill. After a few minutes, she decided it was the weekend after all, and decided to have a full conversation with me about her resume, work issues, etc. I have no problem with this as she is a decent conversationalist and seems all in all like a good person. As we continued on our journey, more and more people piled into the car at each stop. Soon it was very crowded and there were no seats to be had. I noticed that the "Quiet Car" sign still was not hanging in its normal spot and figured the designation was lifted due to the heavy ridership that afternoon. My acquaintance (for ease of reference, we'll call her "Agnes") has a voice that, for lack of a better term, carries. Now, some people use that term politely to describe a person that is just loud and completely devoid of an "indoor" voice, but I am not using it in that context here. I assure you her volume was not excessive and no "adult" language was being used. In short, no reasonable person would consider this a violation of "Quiet Car" etiquette.

At one stop, a woman got out of her seat as she was getting ready to depart, and informed Agnes: "You may or may not know this, but you are sitting in the Quiet Car and there are not supposed to be any conversations, blah blah blah...". I rolled my eyes immediately. I'd heard of these Quiet Car Nazis but had never seen one in action. It is really a sad thing to watch. Now, Agnes has been riding the train for a while and knows all of the rules regarding "QC" (I'm tired of typing "Quiet Car") and retorts: "I understand the "QC" rules and we ARE allowed to have conversations quietly." The QCN (Quiet Car Nazi) stands firm in her contention that there are to be no conversations, until another rider and I corrected the QCN about quiet conversations being acceptable. The QCN, surprised her assertion was being challenged, was somewhat embarrassed. So she then admonished Agnes for her volume of conversation. For some reason, the QCN went out of her way to note that MY volume was acceptable, but Agnes' was not. (I mean, really, who elected this person to be the QC Police!?) In the interest of not escalating the altercation, Agnes (and I give her major props for this) apologizes. As the QCN turns to exit the train, I note to her that the QC sign is not hanging today and that perhaps she should lighten up. She turns to me indignantly, replies "Hmph", then exits the train. After she left, other riders around us agreed the QCN was out of line and our conversation had in no way bothered them or violated Quiet Car etiquette. The woman just wanted to screw with someone.... period.

An ironic observation for those who are unfamiliar with commuter trains.... Quiet Cars are typically situated just behind the locomotive, which are generally very noisy what, with their massive engine, 120 decibel horn, etc. That slightly defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

As I thought about this altercation more, it occurred to me that the QCN has definite control issues. There must be things going on in her life that she feels she can't control, so she controls what she can. This is probably the root of a lot of altercations. People try to tell other people what to do and not mind their own business more than likely because they CAN'T manage their own business. It is painfully obvious to me that this woman targeted Agnes because she's a bit overweight, a bit of a techno-geek, and young. By contrast, the QCN is middle-aged, wears a business suit, has her colored-but-still-graying hair conservatively styled and carries her weight as if she tirelessly struggles to maintain that size six. Maybe QCN was jealous of Agnes' comfort in her own skin, or that Agnes talked so easily about her career aspirations and family plans with her husband. Whatever the case, I hope QCN realizes someday soon that life is too short to bully others out of jealousy, disapproval or a sense of control. Take charge of your own life, and you'll be a happier person.

Closing VA Tech thoughts...

Well tomorrow is "maroon and orange effect" day, as declared by the VA Tech Alumni Association. I plan to wear my maroon and orange in tribute to those killed, injured and otherwise affected by this tragedy. Cho's videos and manifesto bring no new light to the meaning of his rampage, only more questions that have no answers. I suppose I just have to raise my daughter to not be a victim.... to not go quietly into the night like Americans have been conditioned to do in situations like these. It seems the voices are getting louder with each 9/11, Columbine and VA Tech occurrence to fight back and take your destiny into your own hands. Well, no shit! We, as a society, have enabled these psychopaths for too long. The days of an expectation of compassion or mercy from these killers are long gone. Terrorists no longer hijack an aircraft and negotiate their demands, they fly planes into buildings and kill thousands of innocents. No longer does someone kidnap or hold a room hostage as a cry for help or as a means to a peaceful end... they are prepared to give up their lives to be remembered and send a message for future generations, however muddled that message may be. Once we, as a society, refuse to be complicit as victims, only then will these attacks cease.

VA Tech observations... questions...

As much as I hate to start the blog off with this subject, it is what I have.

Needless to say, it has been an excruciating couple of days for this country. By no means do I mean to equate what I am feeling with the pain and suffering of deceased victims' families, survivors and their families, and students of Virginia Tech. However, this particular event strikes me very hard, much as Columbine did in 1999. One tries very hard to look for meaning in acts such as these. Meaning that goes beyond the "he was a loner..", angry at rich kids and religion.... spurned by love interests. I mean, really, we've heard all of this crap before. Most of us have had to deal with these types of emotions at one point or another in our lives. Yet most of us find the mental capacity and fortitude to deal with such circumstances. Most of us ultimately discover this or that is really not what is appeared to be. This girl is not who I thought she was.... this religion holds no sway over me.... being rich is really kind of a pain in the ass! You get the idea.... So why, or perhaps a better question is how is it a bright young mind exacts this type of carnage, culminating in his own death, to express himself?

Obviously killing is the means by which he intended to express himself. The thing that always gets me in a lot of these cases is the incredible detail to which the killer plans his attack. He spends weeks or months thinking about how to do the maximum amount of damage in a short amount of time. Although, I must admit, I chuckled a bit when I read that Cho chained the doors shut at Norris Hall. No one in these cases did that before. It will be interesting to find out how effective that tactic was. Truthfully, I'm surprised, given his age and assumed intelligence, that we wasn't able to kill more. But I digress... As much thought that goes into the attack, there is little or no thought put into his message. A hastily written note... drunken ramblings on videotapes... how the hell is the world supposed to know what you took all of those lives for (including your own)! There will be some who say that Cho attempted to communicate this in his notes, but if you've read his plays, you could see how the message may somehow get lost. I just find it all very difficult to wrap my head around, as a rational person. I know rationale waves bye-bye to these guys to some extent... but if this type of thing is supposed to have a purpose... to send a message... what the hell is it?!